Darkness is a time of wrestling. Darkness gives confidence to hidden things. They no longer hide, suppressed by light and merriment. Under the comfort of darkness, certain emotions creep up to the conscious mind, stand up, and say “Face us, we’ve been with you all along.”
Light gives us courage; darkness exposes us for what we are. On a dark walk, or gathered round the glowing embers of a dozing fire, the secrets of one’s heart burble up and ask to be exposed.
Sadness burbles up constantly in this season of darkness. Even as I go about my duties of state, trying to be faithful to that which I must do, often sadness gnaws away. At one point it felt as though it had broken me in half. I struggled to surrender to it, yet I offered resistance: I was angry that it was there.
I was struggling with dependence on an unhealthy relationship. I had deprived myself of it for several weeks. I had been too reliant on it. I had unhealthily looked for approval from it, yet up to the present moment, I thought I had been doing pretty well for a while without it. But then this sadness welled up.
It felt like I was conjoined to a twin and time was quickly approaching when we must be surgically separated successfully. I was scared of the pain. I was ready to go back to the old ways. I was about to be sabotaged by sadness. But then a friend rescued me.
“If the sadness could speak, what is it saying?” she asked.
I had tried this before with physical ailments, but never with my negative emotions.
Feeling a little awkward, I asked anyway.
“If you could speak, what would you like to say?” I said inside myself.
All at once it was as if the little girl inside of me perked up. “You care?” she asked me.
“Yeeeeees,” I hesitated, uncomfortable with this awkward-feeling situation.
And the sadness spoke. “I want reassurance, I want you to acknowledge these feelings. I want you to hug me and tell me that you understand, that it’s gonna be okay,” it said.
An imaginary little fairy sprite crawled into my arms then. I gave her time to sit. After a bit, I gave her a big, gentle hug and said reassuring things to her. Then I started to feel stronger inside. I felt more womanly, more self-possessed, almost queenly, and motherly. And my sadness sprite became better.
I was now content to be right where I was, and actually happy with the discomfort. The darkness was something that had to be patiently navigated. It was not as oppressive and possessing, constricting anymore. The gloom began to lift.
Earlier I said that darkness is a time of wrestling. It is. We wrestle so much with reality and get so frustrated instead of being inquisitive about it. The darkness is real. What does it bring? If it could speak, what would it like to say?
Jacob, son of Isaac, wrestled all night with an angel until dawn. He was not afraid to ask questions of his opponent. Indeed, he was gifted the name Israel after that nightlong wrestling in the darkness. In Hebrew, first syllable of Israel means “you contended”; the second part is the first syllable of ’elohim, “divine beings.”1
May this Christmastide bring you closer to Him who has come to contend with the darkness, the Light of the World.
Thank you so much for reading so faithfully dear followers!
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The story behind these reflections on darkness and light: The abrupt nightfalls of November, overhung by dreary, cold weather have always brought panic in my little sun-loving heart. Some of us struggle with the depressive blues that November and February often bring on top of our ordinary struggles. Inspired by the Danish concept of Hygge, I determined to prepare myself with ways to brighten the dark nights. This coincided with Advent, a preparation for the coming of the “Light of the World.” May these reflections of darkness and light cheer you on in your life’s journey.
- United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. (2023). Genesis, chapter 32. USCCB. https://bible.usccb.org/bible/genesis/32 ↩︎
Bridget Bryan 